Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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