The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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