every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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