omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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