the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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