New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize