My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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