The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize