next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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