No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
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started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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