So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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