headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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