in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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