you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize