If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize