nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize