Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
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There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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