What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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