the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
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Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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