The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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