im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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