dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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