wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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