I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
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She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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