i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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