Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
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Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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