forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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