Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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