From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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