Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's get the cat blown out
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
