I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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