I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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