I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize