i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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