She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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