things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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