haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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