he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize