I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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