I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
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Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am one with the molecules
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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