the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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