I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
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Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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