he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
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She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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