I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize