if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
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Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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