proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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