i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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