i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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