so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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