At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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